I will be quite personal and honest, which might make some uncomfortable, but I have conceived that it is for my good, rather than others, that I am writing this. On Facebook, I have been pretty open about how and what I share, but this is taking me to the core of my grief. Will it bring about some healing for regrets I feel? Will it comfort me? I don't know the answer to those questions ...
September 25 dawned with many hopes and dreams. The day before, I'd had an interview and then offered a part time job; Mama woke up and was feeling really good; She had breakfast and her cup of coffee and was ready for the day; As every day, we were watching baby Emma grow in Kayleigh's tummy, and anticipated with excitement her arrival in December.
As was her routine, Mama would often get up, get dressed, do her grooming, eat her breakfast, and, of course, relish her cup of coffee, and then she would go take just a short little rest. It was not unusual for her to rest about 15 minutes and then wonder if there was just a touch more coffee! This Tuesday morning was no different. Kayleigh and I needed to run to Walmart and get Mama's prescriptions, so we told her we would run out and be back shortly. We assured her Steven was upstairs should she need him. She didn't think she needed any more meds, but she would leave that up to me! So, off to Walmart we went.
Our trip was made fairly quickly, and we arrived back home. Mama was still resting, but she was beginning to feel some discomfort. As she had had a rough several weeks with some illnesses, at that moment in time, I wasn't overly concerned. Regret. I told her not to get up then and to keep resting for a while. Why didn't I take her to the hospital or call an ambulance right then?! If I had to tell you how long after, I wouldn't be able to ... her discomfort turned into pain ... Regret.
I called an ambulance and told them I thought my Mama was having a heart attack ... please hurry ... Mama had been a nurse forever, and I think she knew. She looked at me with knowing eyes, but I didn't know!! Regret. Because of the closeness Mama and I shared, when I looked into her eyes, I knew she needed to hear me pray. I knew I needed to lie down beside her and hold her hand and talk with our Lord. I remember asking for God to ease the pain, for the ambulance to come quickly, for Mama to know she was in the Father's hands, and that He was with her. No regret. Even as I was praying, the ambulance was coming down our lane. I let the EMT's take over as I was putting together some things I would use for an extended time at the hospital. As I recall, it must have been about 1:30. I was thinking I might be at the hospital into the evening, and possibly late night.
Mama was taken out to the bus on the stretcher and I was still running about like a chicken with its head cut off!! Regret. I ran outside with a handful to the car and ran to the open door of the ambulance. They were administering oxygen, starting an IV and an EKG. I looked at her eyes and told her I would follow right behind. Regret. Why didn't I ride with her?! I didn't see fear in her eyes, just a knowing that this was her last time riding down our lane. But I didn't know! I've driven down our lane 500 times since then, wondering what it was like for her to be alone in that ambulance ... did she wish I had gone with her? Was she just a little afraid? Or was she already seeing her Lord and Savior, and she was content to wait until I was with her.
We arrived at the hospital and I was assured that as soon as they had Mama situated they would take me back. The admitting process seemed to be very swift that day, and I was taken back almost immediately. I was thinking the room was very small and maybe I should wait out in the lobby until they had her ready to take to her room. But Mama was in considerable pain and I just wanted to stand by her to see if I could help calm her until the pain meds were administered. I kept reassuring her that any moment the meds were going to kick in and she would not be in pain. I kept telling her she needed to try and relax and be calm so the nurse could get the meds in the IV. Regret. In her ever-precious-and-quiet-spirit, she whispered, "Okay ..." There was a fairly young nurse that was trying to get the medication into the IV and was having a difficult time. I felt like she was a little upset and perhaps inexperienced. She almost seemed frantic ... I think she knew. Another nurse and the doctor came in and they were calling out all sorts of orders that I knew nothing of ... the room seemed to get smaller and smaller. I told them I would wait in the lobby until they had everything situated. Regret.
There was a lot of activity in the lobby that day and time seemed to stand still. It must have been about 15 minutes later that a young nurse came out asking where I was. She was walking quickly and indicated I needed to go with her. In my mind I'm wondering why are we walking so fast ... slow down ... I don't think I want to go back there after all ... slow down ...
As I rounded the corner, the doctor came out of the room and at the same time I see someone doing compressions on Mama ... my brain left me, my heart was in my throat, and my feet quit walking ... I remember saying, "NO!" and the doctor putting his arms around me and telling me I didn't have to go in ... I remember thinking I couldn't go in without my brothers and sister and my children, and then as quickly thinking I was the only family she had with her at that moment. The doctor and nurse walked with me to her side, and without hesitation, I knew they needed to stop trying to bring her back. I knew. No regret.
The tears began to flow, and the shock was setting in. I knew I needed to sing, but sing alone? How could I? This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. But I held her hand, and I sang, as Mama was taking her last breaths in her earthly body. When her last breath was taken, and her spirit was already with Jesus, I asked the doctor what happened ... I mean, I just didn't understand!! I did not see this coming! He explained to me that she was very sick when she arrived and everything spiraled down quickly from there. He assured me it would have happened that day, no matter what I did. It was her time. God was calling her home.
Essentially, when the nurse took me back, Mama was already gone ... I know that ... My regret? That she knew, and I didn't! I regret I wasn't with her when she closed her eyes for the last time ... I didn't get to tell her how much she meant to me and how much I appreciated her. I didn't get to tell her I was sorry for the times I was impatient, and that I would do it all over again for her! They tell me she knew I was with her, singing and talking for the last 12 minutes or so ... I hope so ...
Rejoicing ~ II Timothy 1:12: "That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day."
I know Mama believed in Jesus Christ, and I know she is with Him! I know she would desire everyone to seek Him with your whole heart, and entrust your life to Him! I know I sin and mess up every single day, sometimes to the point of almost not being able to forgive myself, but I know Who I believe in, and I know that He is able to guard me and keep me until I take my last breath on this earth.
I have wonderful memories of my Mama! I have a few regrets. But, I believe with my whole heart, the rejoicing in knowing where she is far outweighs anything else in this world!
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